BE ANONYMOUS!!!!

When I first started this blog I felt it was my way of getting out there and spreading the word about my crafting business.  However I quickly started to really enjoy writing and it was quite cathartic letting things and feelings out.

I then wrote my insomnia post which was basically what my sleep psych had been telling me to do for years but I never had.  She said it would help me to write it all down and to let it out.  The feedback was overwhelming and I pray I may have helped some people along the way however it was so very very personal.  I had friends phoning me up in shock because I’d never explained to them the actual extent of things, and I also had people very very close to me voice their concern that I had perhaps been too public!!

I was mortified that it looked like I was writing to the world about my private life and feelings that I couldn’t say to my friends or family.  That just wasn’t true, it was just with my insomnia for instance there really is only a limited amount of times I could explain the full extent of everything.  It was too raw and it’s only now 8 years with living with it that I feel strong enough to let it out.

My posts following that haven’t been too personal until last week when I wrote about my weight issues and again the reasons behind it was I thought it would help to make it public so there was no turning back for me and I had to succeed in my diet this time.  However in hindsight perhaps it was too personal and maybe some of the things I wrote I don’t want some friends and family members to know!

A lot more friends and family read my blog than I ever thought would and I’m beginning to think that perhaps I’m being a bit personal for my liking.  This is the internet after all and what I write will be here FOREVER.

I have so many blog posts floating around in my head that I would like to put down onto paper however I don’t think I can as they’re just too intimate and although I’ve made a good start, I really don’t want to air my personal life to that extent anymore!

So then the question is, what do I write about?  I’m at a cross roads and I’m struggling to know which way to turn.

Are you anonymous and if not is there a limit to how personal you will go?

I’m not sure I can put my finger on my weight gain and why really.  As a child I was unbelievably sporty and never ever thought about what I ate.  I did what I wanted and stayed very slim.  I was tall and slim and I loved my figure.

I then went travelling for a year after I left school and like most people I drank far too much alcohol and gorged myself on fast food and put on quite a bit of weight.  When I got home I ate healthily for a few months and lost the weight. I never went back to my school weight but I wasn’t far off it.

I then moved to Australia and went to University there for 3 years.  At this time I also fell in love and it was here that my weight really started to suffer.  I stopped playing sport and I suppose I got too comfortable.  Neither of us watched our weight and it piled on, and on, and on!!  About 6 months before I came home I realised that I was embarrassed and didn’t want to come back from Australia fat so I went on a serious diet (I can’t remember which one) and upped the exercise and came back slim again.  I stayed like this for maybe a year but again I fell in love (this time with Mr P) and comfort took over.  We love our food (he is truly the most phenomenal cook) and we love our booze.  Nothing is nicer than a Friday night at home eating gorgeous food, drinking far too much lovely wine and putting the world to right.

I lost weight in the run up to my wedding but not down to anything like my school weight but still enough to make me feel beautiful and happy on my wedding day.  But again a few months later I stopped exercising and started eating too much and it piled on again!!

Then kids…. more piled on.  In 2010 a few months after I had Chloe I decided that enough was enough so I signed up for a triathlon 6 months later and started training.  I also gave up alcohol for 5 months (this was due to my sleep to see whether it helped my insomnia) and as you can see on my front page photo I looked fit and healthy and I was happy.  Why then didn’t I continue?  That’s the million dollar question.  Why oh why didn’t I stay healthy?

Anyway, a year later I got upset again so yet again I dieted.  This time I did weight watchers and I was doing so well and I was so confident.  I started running and lost about 3 1/2 stone and I was on my way to being slim forever but then I got injured and stopped running, and guess what….. I put the weight back on AGAIN.

I’m writing this and I just want to scream.  I want to scream and scream and scream.  Why am I so stupid not to realise my pit falls?

So at the end of last year I became friends with a wonderful girl called Steph (aka MamaMarmalade) and she had started her weight loss journey 11 months previously and basically had lost the same amount of weight that I need to now.  She looks absolutely wonderful and went from being a non runner to running 15km fairly comfortably.  It was time, it was only 5 days before Christmas but I had to start it again.  So over Christmas although I didn’t count my Weight Watchers points I was quite conscious of what I ate and I only put on 1 lb which I was thrilled about.  And then after New Year I started with a vengence and have already lost nearly a stone.

I truly truly believe that this is it.  The last time I have to diet to lose weight.  I want to get to my goal weight but continue to do WW the rest of my life.  I’m one of those people I’ve realised that can’t take my eye off the ball.  For the rest of my life I will have to be careful and watch what I eat, but that’s ok because it will make me happier.  I hate it when I’m big.  I don’t feel confident in or out of the home and I want to feel happy with myself and wear nice clothes (well for the people who know me just nicer, slimmer fitting tracky bums!!!).

My darling husband who is truly the most amazing man in the world shows me articles that state that one of the things that people who have sleeping problems suffer from are way too slow metabolisms and find it very hard to lose weight but very easy to gain weight.  I LOVE this, but I also know that I have to help myself with cutting down the amount of food and upping the exercise.

I have a few amazing friends who I couldn’t do this weight loss malarky without them and I love them for staying supportive and helping me along the way.

So this is it, me telling the public (so I can’t go back).  This is it.  I want to hit my goal weight by Sept 2013…. AND I WILL.